I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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