She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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