Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
