Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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