just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
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He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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