I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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