You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
