I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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