Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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