remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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