I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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