she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
