So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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