I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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