wanna go halves on a baby?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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