he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
