i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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