I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
