The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
