Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
