Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
