it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
