I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
