Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
