her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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