I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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