I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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