To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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