I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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