TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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