his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
