Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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