I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
