Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
