You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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