If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm too high and old for this...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
