That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
