my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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