Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
