Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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