he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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