Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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