nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're too hungover to prance.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
