she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
