Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
