today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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