I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
