Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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