I'm gonna have a badass scar
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will be naked everywhere
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
