Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
