Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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