PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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