I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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