I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
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In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder