I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick