when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?