the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
