im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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