Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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