Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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