I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
