My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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